hierarchy of need

Maslow developed a structure, a hierarchy of human need. It has many implications for social justice, development patterns, understanding rash behavior and other things. I use it here simply as a tool to express my own state of being.


This online chronicle of my thoughts, observations and feelings is a tricky thing. This shows up if you google my name. I intentionally include it in my email signature. It is important for me to live openly and transparently, with only moderate amounts of editing. But, to discuss pain that is not external is outright scary.

I feel the need to state I have not reached universal self-actualization. Perhaps it is just seasonal depression. Being uninsured does not fit well into basic physiological needs, though I'm otherwise covered there. Perhaps my drastically limited income has something to do with it. Living near the poverty line with 11% 5 digit student loans is definitely a risk to my safety. Love and belonging; I have great friends who I see as I can and my family is near, if busy.

What occupies my thoughts constantly is that I've never been in a relationship with shared love. This, strange as it is to state, is crippling right now. I'm still highly functional and productive, with great parts of my self actualization realized. However, can I truly be a whole person without this key element? How do I go about filling this void? I'm 27 and while not desperate, I wonder if my standards are too high. Perhaps I should go to bars or something, but that doesn't seem like it would lead to the deep intimacy I'm really looking for. I want to rant and complain and self deprecate and so many other things that are not of my highest nature.

My words and thoughts falter at how to wrap this up into a tight, happy vision of a bright tomorrow. Perhaps this time, I'll let it stay clouded, unsettled and uncertain about what is to come.