a tear, a love, a writing

Tears burn along the curves of my face whether I cry with joy or crumble in pain. Lately it has been the later. I have tears for the billions without clean water. I have tears for the senselessness of waste, child labor and genetically modified future starvation. I have tears that real estate development rewards disenfranchisement and punishes community. And then I have tears that I am alone. I have never been love in the whole of my life; be it short or long.

Sometimes it is hard to cry for others when you cannot get past your own pain. To bypass that pain could be only a denial, a lie, a betrayal of what my heart longs to tell me. My heart speaks to me. It reminds me that I am in love, just not with anyone I've met. My heart tells me to forgive my parents for vowing to not love that who my heart loves, never to even meet him. My heart tells me to take courage in this real estate industry known for nepotism, greed and insincerity. My heart chides me for my own masks, my lack of trust, my armor against the world in pain. My heart grieves for the shackles in my my body, mind and spirit. My heart longs to be worthy of that man I'll meet one day. It talks to me about this often now. It tells me not to worry for the past and to not repeat it. It tells me that I am worthy of a man of worth. It tells me that he'll be noble, true and will love me. That he will love me, deeply, utterly and with full reality. In Swedish there are many words for love. Tillgivenhet refers to "devotion," förtjusning means "delight," håller av infers a "fondness for" while the most common is kärlek, which translates to "affection." Beyond all of these is a word used much more selectively.
Jag älskar du. I love you.

So I cry, with pain, joy and anticipation. And I write, because to bottle up is madness. I write to share my triumph, my tribulation and my trepidation. I write to gain a sense of what it is to live, to love. To live and love is to be community. And while I live alone, work alone, eat alone, study alone, plan alone, cry alone and love alone.... I'll write to hope.