What PRIDE means to me - Part 7/Final

I lead a lonely life in many ways.

It is very pretty, with fascinating people coming and going, possibility around the corner and a love of what good there is in this life. My lovely apartment is set in the trees, quiet and removed from the world bustling more than a walk away. My family will always be there for me, but they lead full lives with each other and do not call. My friends, my friends are a great joy to me, but it is sad to realize that even there I never know which friend will slip from reliably close to one of the many merely happy to see me. My jobs and projects are challenging and interesting and almost totally independent, requiring my ability to carry on alone. My love, well I have never yet been in love.

In this life I have had times of great connection, such as YWAM, Sweden, Iceland, Pi Kappa Phi and the BGI intensives. But these have been short periods, interspersed by much longer seasons of intense isolation like homeschooling, Hawaii, the dorms, Tacoma and the spaces between intensives this past year.

I have sought community in friends and often succeeded, but groups change and, in turn, many have let me down to that space between friend and Christmas card. Church friends, poker friends, drinking friends, friends from organizations, schools and any kind of group are temporary gifts. Shopping, food, activity, productivity, creativity and books have helped distract, but they are not what my soul cries out for.

I have sought to meet the loneliness through physical connection, but that is a curious thing. Being with a man feels so right, but in the end sex is not about gender, rather it is about two individuals connecting. My connections so far have been few and small, showing me that what my body craves will only be fulfilled fully when the same man also fully connects with my mind and spirit.
I believe this is why God gave us love, to express with our words, our touch and our character that we are not alone.

Perfect love is a rare commodity and so I realize that pangs of loneliness will remain through my life. But, as I wander through this lonely world, I grow in my ability to love. Someday, I'll meet a man with whom I can share that love to its greatest potential and be loved in return.

This series has covered what "pride" means to me, referencing the pride in self often only associated with oppressed minorities. I am proud to be gay in all areas of my life because, like my gender, my eye color and my natural abilities, it is woven through my very fiber.
My faith, family, fun, function, fire and frailty all contribute to making me full, a whole person. As a whole person, I'll continue to fight injustice, fear, hate, lust and loneliness. And as a whole person, I'll meet those challenges to learn and grow in this adventure of a life worth living.