Breath

Yesterday evening was marked by 4 conversations and an email.

1: After a day of intense self reflection and soul searching, I joined a few good friends at the W. It was very sex in the city, with each of us sharing updates on whatever relationship struggle we were in whether it be breakup, bf moving in, bad date or my own issues with meeting the kind of guy i like to date. It was nice to feel heard, that even though my situation is different than the 3 girls at the table, they could empathize and give really good advice. Oh, and we are all very funny together, it is quite fun.

2: Later on one of them, my best friend, called to talk it through further. It was so great to hear from her that she sees how hard it is with my family and just being gay in a generally anti-gay world. I got to hear that I'm not just being a baby and that I'm not crazy, VERY reassuring.

3: A great old friend that I had not talked to in about 6 months happens to also be gay called after that. In our 45min conversation, I got to walk through my full thought process regarding the struggle of living while processing through my own wounds and then dating men who are also working through the wounds of growing up in an oppressive world. He was very much on the same page as me, especially in regards to expectations. He and I agreed that we want our friends to expect the very best in us and that we in turn expect the very best in our friends and potential boyfriends. It confirmed that while I should not be so hung up on type, that it would be a dishonor to myself or anyone I meet to not expect the best in them.

E: I then got an email apology from an old childhood friend (it was quite the busy evening!). She said that it pained her to know that I had been judged by my church and old friends and how wrong that was. She reassured me that we would always be friends and her hope that the wall the past had built could be removed. I responded back with my appreciation for her note and a fairly lengthy bit about the unsustainability of relationships that are conditionally supportive and how silence does not denote support, but rather silence states rejection. It was nice to have a friend reach out and to have the space to respond with a picture of the pain caused by so much rejection (everyone I know from before the age of 18 considers being gay a sin and considers me accordingly).

4: Right after I finished this email I got a call from my best friend from school who happens to be a lesbian. She and I had a long talk that built on the earlier conversations and provided further perspective from a gay friend who knows me well. It followed much the same topics above, with reassurance that everything works out in the end.

These connections with quite a variety of the points in my life confirm that even in my darkest moments, I am not alone. And reflecting today on the yesterday as a whole, I am happy to have gone through the trial of the day and the solace of the evening. I feel more whole, more healed and more at peace because of it.