My paradigm shift through art

These are two of my favorite personal paintings. They well represent a transition from old to new mindset as expressed through the body. The first titled "Deaf, Mute, Death" is as somber as the name suggests. The closely cropped view of the neck, jaw and ear is one of the most exposed, vulnerable and necessary parts of the body. Without ears our ability to take in information is cut down to the remaining senses of sight, touch and smell. Without our jaw we cannot eat or speak. No nourishment of substance can come in and no verbal communication can go out. Our neck is the connection of these senses and our brain to the rest of the body. Without that line of internal connection, we die.

As a closeted man, I could see injustice and hypocrisy, smell the lie of homophobia and bigotry but without my ears I could not understand it. My mind was closed to the truth before me by blocking my ability to hear the hate and fear that caused those ills. More obviously I could not speak with my own voice, but rather let the collective think for me. I betrayed myself and would not ask for and take in the authentic validation that is every humans core right. I let myself wither in the malnutrition of the soul. These left me defenseless against a world that wants to cut off my head. Not literally, but to say that me being gay is only a part of me and that I can and should deny that part, or at least minimize it for the sake of the group. This would be like severing a part of my body and expecting to live. It is through blocking reason and silencing our voice that we cause ourselves to die.

Many years later, becoming whole leads me to a new vulnerability. My sight, smell, hearing and taste are becoming refined with freedom. Now I can focus on touch, that full body experience of the world that connects us to each other in our core. It is more intimate than any other sense and therefore the hardest to develop. This painting titled "Anticipation" shows one of the more vulnerable areas of the body, one we protect the most with layers of clothing and often, shame or neglect. We may be overweight, sexually awkward or merely generally uncomfortable in our skin. I have long been uncomfortable in my skin as a result of my idealization of what a man should be. First he was supposed to be straight, steady and stoic. Then he was supposed to be sensational, solidly built and successful.

This painting represents the man I want to be. I want to be sensual. Comfortable in my body whatever the setting and happy with whatever state I am in regardless of my abs or perceived desirability. I want to be stable in my position, ready to enjoy the whatever happens next while remaining relaxed in the moment. And I want to myself, with no shell or layers of boundaries to protect me from fear and hate in the world. This is a good life I have as I grow into the man I was meant to be and it will only get better.