What does family look like to me...

This week has been thought provoking in terms of how I see my life moving forward. There is career; I am starting a new position with g-Projects that looks to grow and increase my experience in development. There is my health; I am getting into swimming, biking, yoga, gym and healthy diet. There is my community; being there for friends, starting and joining causes and generally enjoying living in connectivity with those around me.

And then there is family; I have long wanted a relationship, but questioned how this would impact my career, my friends and this idea of freedom I have. My life has few responsibilities beyond maintaining a solvent economic position. This can be fun, with the world open to me, but it feels unnatural. I want love, to have a man care for me and share himself with me. But this one way love is not enough. In my inner core, my soul, there is that urge to give love. To give love is to share, to consider my partner before myself. It is to stay open to his beauty and his struggle, to stay vulnerable to pain and loyalty and my own weakness. There is the family you are born to with a permanent and the family you choose. Whoever my husband is, we'll choose each other, but make that commitment permanent.

For years I doubted I wanted children. They are so loud and messy and I have really enjoyed this artificially total control over my life. Now that I am pondering what a true intimate love might be like, my paternal side is coming out strong. Friends and my sisters long said that this would happen, but I questioned. Now the idea of being a father (not necessarily biological, but adopted or my husbands), is an honor that moves me to tears. At a party last night I met several couples with young children. The 6 month old cried and the 1 year old was messy and loud, and I totally loved it. Seeing how loved they were by their dads and the trust and comfort they held together confirmed that family is the greatest blessing I could hope for.

I still have no idea how to "find" a partner that I could share love, life and family with. Yet I have hope that my prayers will be answered one day.