G|R

Missing the Austin sun

2010-11-16T09:54:00.000-08:00

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be still

2010-08-31T00:50:00.001-07:00

Happy 7th!

2010-07-07T18:43:00.001-07:00

It's my birthday! I've had a complete Swedish breakfast made by surprise as I slept by my wonderful boyfriend. This same hot man showed up at my office with flowers this afternoon following the champagne and cupcake party thrown by coworkers that followed shopping and a meeting with Richard Conlin, head of the Seattle city council on how to make Seattle a carbon neutral city. Now finishing a happy hour with Brandon at maximiliens at the market. Mussels are delicious. Now to head home to the pool before dinner with 16 of my closest friends. Life is beautiful!

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5th of July

2010-07-05T09:39:00.000-07:00

I used to say I didn't know how to relax or go on vacation, but it's not true. There are merely different methods to achieve calm and a break from daily life. I've found one version that works for me... a beach house with good food and friends. Never a lack of conversation, excellent tastes throughout the day and laughter all the night long. Darryn isn't here, or this would be perfect. It'll make that next trip into relaxation with him that much better.

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Love and longing

2010-07-04T00:41:00.000-07:00

I've been a happy guy lately, for many reasons including my work, nonprofit, home, family and friends. But the biggest deal to me is that I'm in love. He is charming, kind, funny and handsome... And out of town last weekend and this weekend. So I miss him and not wholeheartedly succeeding in viewing this as a chance for personal growth. I just want my boyfriend back, at least in cell range.

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Reset and Go

2010-07-02T18:14:00.000-07:00

After a long absence from this blog, I'm going to try and get back to sharing my thoughts with whoever wants to read them. I'll aim to be quick, witty and personal as I contemplate love, life and community.

From the train on the way to Puyallup to meet my family for my 30th birthday.

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Being

2009-09-20T23:57:00.000-07:00

When I encounter an issue, a room, a store... I want to know the layout, assess all the options and then go back and enjoy the process of exploring. When people ruin movie endings, especially on scary movies, I like it. Apparently this is indicative of going a bit OCD. It works great for getting most things done, I gather information and dive in.

Dating does not work this way I'm beginning to gather. I need a new game plan, a way to just "be".

Remembering wise words

2009-08-06T00:48:00.000-07:00

Commencement Address Notes: Bill Grace

• We live in a time of profound potential
• In these defining times each of us individually and collectively our institutions and nation can choose to cast profound light or profound darkness
• I would like to offer reflections on three opportunities for leadership and service that will help us to cast profound light.
• Let me frame these current times more clearly.
• We live in a time when major shifts for good and ill are underway.
• Those who seek to increase their leverage to help create a more promising future will be well advised to work on change at the foundations of culture.
• For too long, three dominant social ethics have informed and influenced individual, institutional and national behavior in the U.S.

These ethics are materialism, individualism and elitism.

• While the first two speak for themselves elitism requires a little explaining.
• Consider the following costs in billions of dollars, which compare the projected annual cost to meet basic human needs on a global level vs. actual annual spending on luxuries in the U.S.

Basic education for everyone worldwide $6 B
Nail care in the United States $ 6.5 B

Water and sanitation for everyone worldwide $9 B
Ice cream in the United States $20 B

Basic health and nutrition for everyone worldwide $13 B
Weight loss programs in the United States $ 33 B

Elitism is the kindest word I know to describe those grave and tragic comparisons.
These three dominant ethics have lead us to this place in history where:
• our environment is in peril,
• global economic injustice is rampant
• and successful people in the developed world report a sense of emptiness and lack of meaning in their lives.
My purpose in mentioning this is not to dwell here but to use this as an opportunity to point to three rapidly emerging new ethics that are beginning to take social prominence over the old ethics.
Materialism is being replaced by stewardship, individualism is becoming community and elitism is being transformed into compassion.
My suggestion is that you find a way to lead at these foundational levels of social ethics so that regardless of the specifics of your future job you will always have a deep sense of clarity about the purpose of your life. You are shapers of a new future and your greatest leverage will be to find specific and practical ways to advance these new emerging ethics.

Let take a close look at all three.

Stewardship
• Stewardship is leadership of the household in the owner’s absence.
• This invites two questions:
• How big is your vision of the household
• Who is the owner?
• We all have sat under shade trees that we did not plant, we have drank water from wells we did not dig and we have warmed ourselves by fires we did not light.
• Now it is time for us to plant trees, dig wells and light fires for other generations we will never meet.
Who among this group will be bold enough to think and act for a future one-thousand years from now?

Community

• Change always happens in movements -- in community.
• Community is essential to change efforts
• Community however sounds prettier that it is.
• Two rules of community
• at the heart of community is the willingness to welcome the stranger.
• Also -- Authentic community is not about being perfect it is about being persistent and reconciling
• I have been married for 30 years not because Sandy or I are perfect but because we keep choosing forgiveness and growth.
• He is what I promise you if you choose to advance the greater good through the power of community:
• some of you will be betrayed,
• some of you will be lied to by people you thought were your friends
• and others of you will find yourself on the short end of a power grab.
• The power of community and the power of love is about what do we do then. Do we seek to even the score or do we seek reconciliation in order to restore community?
• Reconciliation in community is not about being a doormat -- it is about being a doorway. A doorway to peace, forgiveness and reconciliation.

Compassion

• Compassion means to suffer with
• And compassion and the voluntary choice to connect deeply with the suffering of others may be the most powerful life-giving force on the planet.
• Jamal story.
• Compassion can not only help water to rain down upon us but
• compassion can also cause understanding to rain,
• and compassion can help wisdom and courage to rain –
• compassion can help justice and peace to rain,
• and from those mighty waters a new world is not only profoundly possible but indeed likely.
• It is my hope that no matter what your work entails that you will embrace the vocation of leadership and look for ways every day to advance these three new ethics that have the promise to bestow new life.

• Blessings on your journey.

Productively solo

2009-08-05T23:25:00.000-07:00

It's a more familiar refrain; a productive crisp foggy morning, a creatively executed lunch, a conversational sporting event evening ...followed by pangs of solitude. Today was like many in my life, well paced with real progress and moments of relaxation. I enjoyed several of my favorite people at a Sounders game, this time an exhibition game against world renowned Barcelona. Really, what better life could I want?

I'm over being single.

Love between friends is great, yet it lacks that element of a boyfriend or partner or husband. I want a guy to share a nights sleep, to cuddle and share my day with. I want a boyfriend to make breakfast for, a partner to share a sock drawer with, a husband to last through fights and schedules and growing old. I want it all I suppose: wild passion, good banter, smooth/tall body, clear eyes, humor, insight, assertive kindness, social balance. Some day my man will come, how great it will be to be ready for him.

Heat stroke

2009-08-04T00:35:00.000-07:00

I scribble rarely now, distracted by parties and people and politics. Foolishness seems more weighty than merit and the rustling of warm days does not drive me to diligence. I feel I betray myself with merriment, as though it were my job rather than my release. I do build, but is it child's play or vanity or investment?

My heart is hidden and does not call loudly in any one direction. Days fly by on froth, distraction and busy idleness. Nearly a whole day is justified for rest due to a revolving door of society the days before. Where is industry and ingenuity? Why does all this fat only leave my energy lean?

27, 28, 29...

2009-07-12T23:02:00.000-07:00

2 years have passed since my golden birthday 7-7-7. In less than a year now, the feared milestone of another decade will find me, ready or not. Who do I need to be now, to become the man I want to be then? I'm only moderately good at predicting the future, so I'll reflect on the past.

I forget the day of the week lately. Looking around my apartment though, memories pour hazily or crisply from each object tucked or displayed. The little wooden elephant gift from west africa blended into the table purchased 70% off because of a scratch. The rubber boots that still fit from childhood beneath the paintings of abstracted male hip, inner arm and neck, the trio a cry back to the child I was.

My 25 year plan was clear at age 12. It was free of distractions, surprise or joy. It took the life I led and improved it. Improvement was key, because I was convinced "more" was all it took to stop misery. More food, more money, more dreaming, more house... more. I bucked this suburban, straight version of the dream aside. But the theory of more persists, now encumbered by factors, the unexpected and happiness. It's hard to maintain happiness in any circumstances, but especially if there is real or perceived threats. I spent so much of my life with real threats (impending suicide should I be gay), that now as I sit with perceived threats (no money, no job) its hard to shake the thought that "more" would be helpful. There are so many factors to think about in a day, distraction is easy. After years of careful experience and instinct as a planner, the unexpected is around any and all corners. And after much heartache, joy, defeat, loss and pain, I am happy.

30 is a unique birthday for most; young enough to celebrate, old enough to mourn. How was the first half of your cognitive life? Was it fun enough? Did you make enough money, enough conquests, enough travel, enough celebrations, enough connections.... to last a lifetime? Did you achieve "more"? At 29, I sometimes feel like I have alot to fit in, mostly on the money side of it. I've been an intellectual, a fratboy, a christian, an environmentalist, a party boy, a traveler, an international, a lover, a victim, a bi-polar, a searcher, a lazy, a gym boy, a self starter, a dreamer.

I have a year to fill in any gaps, decide who I'll be going forward into infinity and identify with anyone I talk to about how great the 20's were and didn't you do "this" or "that" and "weren't those the days".

I might fail.

I might just not please everyone, there will be moments I'll look the snob, the nerd, the jerk, the softy, the shy guy, the loud mouth, the lush, the prude, the enthusiast, the irrelevent, the saint, maybe even the sinner.

Sratch that I will fail (some), but I will not fail (me).

I will succeed in become more the man I dreamed of 17 years ago. Not the one I wrote about and talked about (by this time I'd have been married 7 years with 2 children in a 5,700 sq ft house, a chiropractor at my dads office.... scary that it would have been logistically easy). Instead I'm becoming a man, knocked up and broken, but a man. I want to respect the man I am, to want to spend time with him. I want to rely on him, to laugh with him and cry on his shoulder. I want to find him strong and honest, vulnerable and clever. I want to meet him at 30 and observe that whether he has a 25 year, 5 year, 2 day plan... he knows joy.

Unusual You

2009-06-23T23:48:00.000-07:00

I know, Brittney? I've never even seen Twilight. But I love this song after hearing it on Pandora.

It captures my frame of mind, hopeful, nervous, excited, romantic and wild.

Withdrawl

2009-06-21T02:18:00.000-07:00

Leaving school has been a greater adjustment than I anticipated. The sense of loss is not about the friends I might loose or the studies I valued. It has been the loss of adrenaline that was keeping me going toward the end, it is the realization that I'm addicted to digital media after 2 years of living on a computer and my blackberry with dozens of emails a day just for classes. It is the loss of purpose, that fallback identity of "student" that excused and even mandated being poor, underemployed and full of more vision than substance.

Now I find myself unable to sleep, feeling like there must be something I'm missing. I'm without motivation to move forward on projects without advisers, deadlines or even counterparts to check in on. I feel a constant sense of guilt that I'm not exercising more, eating better, working more, making money, reconnecting with friends (who I have discovered to have selfishly moved on with their lives after 2+ years of neglect on my part) and generally not being deliriously happy like one is supposed to be after this "grand accomplishment".

I'm merely an unemployed dreamer with feeble connections and no money. I now hold a second degree, I am a Master, yet I hold such tremendous fear and no idea who to share it with. My therapist is out of town, Julian is out of town (both for 2 weeks), my mom is on a cruise, etc... I'm far from drastic measures, but I am even farther from shrugging off my love handles, bank loans, social awkwardness and misdirection. Oh, and I found out that I come across as though I only want to interact with people enough to deal with them and I have confirmation that I am fat. So in this pit of decadent selfishness I cry out into the faceless night to be heard. Not to be pitied for the sewer of a life I describe, but for the hope that underlays it and will ultimately hold me firm regardless of whether I am cute, loved or successful.

Song on my mind

2009-06-17T00:47:00.000-07:00

Is there anybody going' to listen to my story
All about the guy who came to stay?
He's a kind of guy you want so much it makes you sorry;
Still, you don't regret a single day.
Ah, guy!

When I think of all the times I've tried so hard to leave him,
He will turn to me and start to cry.
And he promises the earth to me and I believe him,
After all this time I don't know why.
Ah, guy!

He's a kind of guy who puts you down when friends are there,
You feel a fool.
When you say he's looking good he acts as if it's understood,
He's cool, cool, cool, cool.
Ah, guy!

Was he told when he was young that fame would lead to pleasure.
Did he understand it when they said
That a man must break his back to earn his day of leisure?
Will he still believe it when he's dead?
Ah, guy!

Pensive

2009-06-16T00:24:00.000-07:00

I'm low on motivation, the tiny details that propel a life forward. The broad strokes I have covered, the grand dreams and practical steps. There are holes, but they are simply the next thing to discover. I'm low on the deeper more secondary motivation. Why get out of bed without a person to love? Perhaps I'm merely tired, perhaps I'm ending a 2 year journey that has fundamentally changed my life. Whatever it is, I am responding to this complicated little song and others like it. I am going to pray I sleep soundly and wake refreshed.

NH Marriage Debate

2009-06-03T14:47:00.001-07:00

"If you have no choice as to your sex, male or female; if you have no choice as to your color; if you have no choice as to your sexual orientation; then you have to be protected and given the same opportunity for life, liberty and happiness," Rep. Anthony DiFruscia, R-Windham

Knot Tied

2009-06-01T21:50:00.000-07:00

Love this visual story.

June 2009

2009-06-01T21:38:00.001-07:00

THE WHITE HOUSE Office of the Press Secretary
For Immediate Release
June 1, 2009

LESBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, AND TRANSGENDER PRIDE MONTH, 2009
- - - - - - -
BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

A PROCLAMATION

Forty years ago, patrons and supporters of the Stonewall Inn in New York City resisted police harassment that had become all too common for members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community. Out of this resistance, the LGBT rights movement in America was born. During LGBT Pride Month, we commemorate the events of June 1969 and commit to achieving equal justice under law for LGBT Americans.

LGBT Americans have made, and continue to make, great and lasting contributions that continue to strengthen the fabric of American society. There are many well-respected LGBT leaders in all professional fields, including the arts and business communities. LGBT Americans also mobilized the Nation to respond to the domestic HIV/AIDS epidemic and have played a vital role in broadening this country's response to the HIV pandemic.

Due in no small part to the determination and dedication of the LGBT rights movement, more LGBT Americans are living their lives openly today than ever before. I am proud to be the first President to appoint openly LGBT candidates to Senate-confirmed positions in the first 100 days of an Administration. These individuals embody the best qualities we seek in public servants, and across my Administration — in both the White House and the Federal agencies — openly LGBT employees are doing their jobs with distinction and professionalism.

The LGBT rights movement has achieved great progress, but there is more work to be done. LGBT youth should feel safe to learn without the fear of harassment, and LGBT families and seniors should be allowed to live their lives with dignity and respect.

My Administration has partnered with the LGBT community to advance a wide range of initiatives. At the international level, I have joined efforts at the United Nations to decriminalize homosexuality around the world. Here at home, I continue to support measures to bring the full spectrum of equal rights to LGBT Americans. These measures include enhancing hate crimes laws, supporting civil unions and Federal rights for LGBT couples, outlawing discrimination in the workplace, ensuring adoption rights, and ending the existing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy in a way that strengthens our Armed Forces and our national security. We must also commit ourselves to fighting the HIV/AIDS epidemic by both reducing the number of HIV infections and providing care and support services to people living with HIV/AIDS across the United States.

These issues affect not only the LGBT community, but also our entire Nation. As long as the promise of equality for all remains unfulfilled, all Americans are affected. If we can work together to advance the principles upon which our Nation was founded, every American will benefit. During LGBT Pride Month, I call upon the LGBT community, the Congress, and the American people to work together to promote equal rights for all, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim June 2009 as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month. I call upon the people of the United States to turn back discrimination and prejudice everywhere it exists.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this first day of June, in the year of our Lord two thousand nine, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-third.

BARACK OBAMA

what comes next?

2009-05-31T23:21:00.000-07:00

I will have graduated a week from now and the emotional transition has begun. What will become my identity, my backup plan when I feel badly about myself?

Will I sing? I love to sing, it connects me to the positive elements of my body and creates something other people enjoy. The question is the format: choir, the shower, recorded, alone, projected, classical, quiet, personal?

Will I dance? Can I connect with my perceived body negatives and reinvent movement for myself? How do I free myself to release outside of a narrow field of influence?

Will I paint? This is high on my list, a lost passion to rekindle.

Will I study my faith? Does my study serve: me, family, posterity, strangers, projects, clergy, the congregation? Do I comfort in the words of the Lord, even if I feel isolated amongst his people?

Will I become vapid? Will I want to be "pretty" at all cost, amusing and funny. Will I forget decency of conscious in favor of collective ideals?

Will I worship my body? How far can I force myself to treat this body as a temple? Is there really a way to go too far, or will I always be hampered by my sternum?

Will I have passion? How does life work out when relaxed and in the moment?

Will I be afraid? Fear is powerful, like any self destructive drug. Prospects are not great with the economy, but does that dictate my reality?

Will I have hope? What would that look like, feel like, produce in me?

Will I find love? Am I capable, interested, desperate, 2 steps back of the path to being lovable?

moving snapshot

2009-05-23T03:13:00.001-07:00

I love movie trailers. They are miniature worlds, fragments of an idea orchestrated to flirt with your senses. Like an appetizer or a pair of woman's shoes they can be fantastical and irrational, full of contrast to leave you wanting more. They would not exist without the whole, but are masterpieces in their own right.

Where I watch them is on apple. It is like an organized world of fantasy, where a small poster could lead anywhere. Late at night when I am too tired to function and yet too actively minded to sleep I watch every one I've not yet seen. When there are many it is like a project with strategy, planning and preparation to enjoy them to a satisfied conclusion.

Goals for the end/beginning

2009-05-20T01:42:00.000-07:00

My primary goals for the remaining couple weeks of school and shortly after are hereby put forth to the universe! In order they include:
Finish class projects in order to graduate June 7th.

Eat well, cutting down on anything processed and shopping farmers markets.

Exercise daily even if it is only 10 push ups.

Secure funding whether a job, project or definite prospect.

Make friends again new and old.

Have a successful Pride with OUT for Sustainability.

Finish up Rita+Alex wedding consulting.

Rewrite ID Duwamish into simple vision statement.

Throbbing

2009-05-14T01:24:00.000-07:00

Pulsing, grinding, spinning, gushing, halting, stunted, multiplying thoughts.

Program: collect bio's from 58 individuals, writing nearly 40 emails back and forth for those who didn't follow the 1 direction.

Ind Con: mentorship persistence wherever no email response has been given

Entre: sort out sales and marketing plan, figure out the market size and growth, go!

Strategy: finish the group case, 30% individual case with breakeven coming up

OUT, pride: sort the t-shirts, water, waste, compost, prep guide, pride guide, waste guide, parade collaboration, green booth, anti-greenwashing, next year, consolidated branding.

OUT, fiscal: roles, partnerships, bio, business plan, mission, social, environmental, political, board restructure, advisory start, money, grant

Cali: SD sort the trip, directions, insurance, fun, away from contact. PS sort packing, social, family, patience

Wedding: plan timeline, notes, email, follow up, uncertainty, no refrigeration or sound

Income: plan, apply, stress, external pressure, ends or means, unemployment, poverty, mission, sell out

Health: workout, eat well, time management, stress, sleep, focus, pain, sore, headache, grinding teeth, medication, expense, postpone

I know there is more but it escapes me now. I'm tired and wired without the anticipation of release until school is done and income arranged. Just 3 weeks now.

Classy!

2009-05-08T14:50:00.000-07:00

What an amazing first lady!

Impact

2009-05-08T12:02:00.000-07:00

There are days it is hard to remember that what I do impacts people in a positive way. I feel alone so much because I'm home so much, I don't get much of that instant feedback that what I say, who I am, matters. This email from a reader of my blog from far far away is a good reminder I do.

Hi!

You might not know me but I just want to tell I find peace and comfort in reading some of your posts. It just helps a lot. Sometimes the guilt and sense of hatred for myself for being a gay were so unbearable I feel so ugly and dirty. But those words of yours you share in your blog are beautiful.

Thank you and have a good day.

Trend

2009-04-28T21:52:00.001-07:00

"Forty-two percent of Americans now say same sex couples should be allowed to legally marry, a new CBS News/New York Times poll finds. That's up nine points from last month, when 33 percent supported legalizing same sex marriage.

Support for same sex marriage is now at its highest point since CBS News starting asking about it in 2004".

OUT for frustration

2009-04-26T23:15:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Today was "Earth Gay" and after 1/2 the service team canceled last minute and 3/4 of the afterparty guests no-showed, after the bar did not understand our needs and I see not how to change this pattern of flightiness in my friends and contacts, I'm upset.

It seems that just going with what already exists, what is easy... that is how to enjoy life. I spent so many hours, social capitol and money on today for what? I could answer this with the 3 raised gardens we built for a youth rehab center, the habitat restoration the other team did and the great conversations had by the more intimate group. I feel depleted and depressed with no prospects that the work I put out will pay back.

Why am I needy like this? Needy of affirmation that what I do matters. Needy of income to support myself. Needy of finishing school successfully. Needy of loving life and not waiting to enjoy it until it is too late.

Step 5

2009-04-26T22:56:00.000-07:00

Skinny-fat is persistent, even after more than a week of thinking about it and several days of exercise. To combat it further, I'm starving myself.... late at night. Yes, I'm doing my least favorite thing and postponing food. Late night comfort is hard to come by living alone, single, pet-less, no tv or netflicks, on a quiet street with minimal extra time. I could paint, but that is an hour minimum, preferably 3. I could exercise, but I have no outlet outside of my apartment for that this late at night. A tasty snack sounds better than crunches on a swiss ball when exhausted from a mentally draining day, oddly enough.
By the way, this is the meal I am craving. Green apples with ginger chips (and maybe peanut butter), wheat crackers, mancheco cheese and macarena almonds. It may be delicious, but good sleep and a fit body with real energy does not come from eating before bed... so I'm going to sleep early to dream of breakfast.

Step 4

2009-04-26T02:43:00.000-07:00

I sold my fancy bike to pay bills while unemployed, but that doesn't mean I can't get on a bicycle. In fact, I took my old hybrid bike from high school to a great shop on Boat Street for a tune up. Today was my first adventure on it in nearly 10 years! I rode 4.5 miles roundtrip to the water ferry on Alki. Beautiful high 50's day with partial overcast and I did not die or otherwise embarrass myself. It was brilliant and might just be my solo cardio for any season.

Step 3

2009-04-25T18:42:00.000-07:00

Tennis season has begun and it is a good way to combat skinny-fat.

With my rackets restrung, regripped and dusted, I entered the court yesterday for the first of many games. Julian and I started OUT for Sustainability with our "board" meetings on the court last summer. While we are no masters yet, it was great to see that a decent volley was possible despite the long winter. Great cardio ahead through the sunny months!

Map of my life

2009-04-21T00:51:00.000-07:00

Now do you believe Gay Rights are Human Rights?

2009-04-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

The International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission writes: "The following is a translation of a story from Alarabiya, a UAE-based media network, which was published on its Arabic website a few hours ago. While IGLHRC has not verified all of the allegations, many are consistent with patterns of human rights violations being reported from within the country."

The translation:

"A prominent Iraqi human rights activist says that Iraqi militia have deployed a painful form of torture against homosexuals by closing their anuses using 'Iranian gum.' ... Yina Mohammad told Alarabiya.net that, 'Iraqi militias have deployed an unprecedented form of torture against homosexuals by using a very strong glue that will close their anus.' According to her, the new substance 'is known as the American hum, which is an Iranian-manufactured glue that if applied to the skin, sticks to it and can only be removed by surgery. After they glue the anuses of homosexuals, they give them a drink that causes diarrhea. Since the anus is closed, the diarrhea causes death. Videos of this form of torture are being distributed on mobile cellphones in Iraq.' According to this human rights activist, for the past 3 weeks a crackdown on homosexuals has been going on based on a religious decree that demands their death; dozens have been targeted. She says that the persecution of homosexuals is not confined to the Shiite clerics. Some Sunni leaders have also declared the death penalty for sodomy on satellite channels."

Step 2

2009-04-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

In a continued effort to combat skinny-fat, I've started doing the NYC Ballet Workout. I had this plan earlier, but the VHS stopped working. But now that I've found them on youtube, my life will never be the same.

Shostakovich Reflections

2009-04-19T23:28:00.001-07:00

How do I live my values? Are they right in front of me, a visual guide I rely on? Are they absent, forgotten with only their memory remaining to move me by habit? Are they integrated into me so that I do nothing without their directing thought, word, action?

What combination of these extremes is reality and how do I self discover any focused answer to this vast question?

I am the sum of my many selves. I am shy. I am happy. I am mischievous. I am sorrow. I am light. I am a series of walking contradictions that shy from any set hierarchy except what I artificially enforce. Yet this is who I am and it is good, though confusing, to be me.

I love this song

2009-04-17T09:07:00.001-07:00

Innovate + Sun

2009-04-08T19:58:00.001-07:00

This is amazing! What a great idea for a courtyard shade. I want to live in a place that has enough sun to shade it. hmmm. We have rain covers instead.

Step 1

2009-04-07T02:59:00.000-07:00

To combat skinny-fat, I'm starting with a juice fast. Julian and I collaborated on an all organic juice mix of a 3 bunches of kale, 5lb of carrots. 4 apples, several chunks ginger, a full bunch of celery, 1 Italian parsley bunch and 2 huge golden beats.

State of body

2009-04-03T22:19:00.000-07:00

I've decided to declare a physical state of pseudo-emergency. Here I am in bed early on a Friday because, even with a nap and a great mental state, I've been exhausted. My digestion has been weird, my energy has adjusted to a sedentary state, my posture is no good and most terrible of all, I'm skinny fat.

	skinny-fat
	A dude who has a gut and little girl arms. It is an implied insult that he does not benefit from fat guy arms, by which fat guys at least get to be tough looking.

I may not be near as bad as the urban dictionary describes, but I'm not where I want to be! So for health and aesthetics I'm searching out a good cleanse and exercise/food/accountability system. Any suggestions?

Creativity Scale

2009-03-31T23:11:00.000-07:00

Are creativity and suffering inextricably tied together in such a way that dooms me to either the doldrums or despair? Am I ruined if I pursue creativity and doomed if I settle for a life without it?

To put this in perspective, I'll set it on a ruler from 1 to 10.

1. is absolute bland consistency, me as selling insurance from 8:30 to 5 in a conservative suit going to conferences in Omaha. Creativity is whether I drink the pain away or eat. I cannot ever fathom this.

2. is managing a kinko's, where my creativity is admiring the work I see with blank eyes, thinking about what magazine I'll read when I go to sleep to start another day.

3. is where I go to the gym, have a great job I have for the money. My creativity is how to indulge myself, with who, and where. Leading to a constancy more fearful than pure mindlessness of 1 or 2, 3 is conscious mindlessness.

4. is where I work hard at something I like, familiar and still challenging. My creativity is how to grow the business and what hobbies to spend my well earned money on. This is the level I could have achieved if I'd become a chiropractor.

But I am gay and that threw a wrench in my ability to think in marketable ways, or rather, to achieve a level of hypocrisy to only count money as happiness, and not authenticity or joy.

5. is the minimum I could sustain. It is an interesting company I can spin in a conversation. It is hating the structure of my position and feeling like I'm drowning. My creativity here is involvement and dreaming.

6. is entering a job with the hope of one day changing it. It is doing marketing work for a generic company that is lively, but without shared value. Creativity becomes the minimal design I buy my soul with.

7. is where I live, working on what I am passionate about and not knowing how to relax. Creativity is my compulsion to keep going, to not stop driving hard. I do not stay here, only visit for awhile. It is as close to 5 as I can get and be happy, but I do not have the nerve to call this frantic energy creative.

8. is the other happy medium where I relax my hold on "necessity" and trust and breath, but not too much yet. Creativity here is how interesting my calm face communicates the exponentially growing ideas inside of me.

9. is a dream, it is releasing reality because I can, to only pursue what strikes my fancy at the moment. It has no constraints or reality. It is living in Sweden with a credit card or reading Ann Rand constantly for 72 hours. My creativity is projected, gathering, necessary and with the worst mental hangover from non-application. In this my creativity is trying on another reality or 5 for awhile.

10. is balance, where creativity is always and forever. There is no artificial "compromise" that never works and only deadens the soul. It is the balance of internal and external, a job where I am creating and applying, theory and action. I am starting to see it, to experience the utter luxury of working at what I was born for. It sounds so decedent to be truly happy with creativity and work, such a thing is my beginning, my inner knowledge of a future state so clear that it brings me closer to it whenever I believe.

This was inspired on a TED talk by Elizabeth Gilbert "A different way to think about creative genius".

Inside all of us is...

2009-03-31T02:32:00.000-07:00

fear, fear of the unknown and terrible. I'm afraid, of running out of money, of my gamble of getting funding for my non-profit and study will not pan out. I have fear that I'll be alone forever and that my energy will someday crash. I have fear.

hope, hope in the possible and wonderful. I'm hopeful that my projects will continue on track. I have hope that I'll maintain joy single or partnered and I have hope the perfect man is out there for me. I have hope that my energy will continue to rise and stay consistent. I have hope that everything in life will go up and down and that I will come out stronger and more at peace with each fall and rise again. I have hope.

Seattle/Salt Lake: 2/0!

2009-03-29T09:27:00.001-07:00

Through My Eyes

2009-03-28T23:55:00.000-07:00

On my mind

2009-03-22T02:26:00.000-07:00

"Hear me, calling, I'm free, falling.
...
Show me, am I, living, a lie?
I've been, trying, always, fighting!
...
As I lost direction, struggling for perfection."

from: Måns Zelmerlow - The prayer

Sounders Opener Crowd

2009-03-21T11:13:00.000-07:00

"Since the MLS began business in 1996, filling the pro-soccer void in the U.S. left by the 1984 collapse of the North American Soccer League, it’s likely no crowd made more noise - or had more fun - than the crowd at Qwest Field did Thursday.

Coach Sigi Schmid sensed as much early in the first half, when he had trouble communicating with midfielder Brad Evans.

“We need hand signals,” Evans told the coach. “I can’t hear anything you’re saying.”

Said Schmid: “I’ve never had a player say that to me in an MLS Stadium.”

JOHN MCGRATH; THE NEWS TRIBUNE

DG SS 09

2009-03-21T01:06:00.000-07:00

Always a great show, and a fun reminder that the world is in less chaos than I imagine. Hot men in good suits and shorts, DG is amazing with an interesting collection. I think you can tell a great deal by the communication of style. The more formal cuts, unusual fabrics and restrained colors are very recession-chic. A big contrast to 2 years ago eh?

Sounders!

2009-03-20T02:37:00.001-07:00

MBA and OMP

2009-03-19T07:37:00.000-07:00

This quarter was dominated by OMP, or Operations Management Plan, I did for Comfort Food and my Sustainable Operations class. It ended up at 23 page single space paper including pictures, tables and charts. While not hard to some, it was daunting to me due to the few weeks between intensives where I had break up, lay off, exhaustion, chemical imbalance, medication complications and sharp pain in my appendix. They were gracious and extended deadlines, but still I was worried and spent long stretches forcing motivation. Like running in dry sand, it was great effort for little achieved. (It was rewarding through this learning about the cafe and seeing how my planning paid off)

However, I did get it turned in. And even better, I passed! Which means, according to my calculations, I passed the whole quarter. Just 1 quarter, 4 classes, 3 months to go...

Dignity

2009-03-15T00:35:00.000-07:00

Is dignity something one gets a single shot at? What if you have a pattern of dishonoring yourself through bad choices... not exercising, eating poorly, missing golden opportunities and worse.

I've sat inside all day trying to complete a paper, yet with a head full of distractions to where I do not feel much closer. It is particularly sad when I ponder the small thrills I allowed myself today, not one I'm proud of, from nachos to watching cartoon clips on Hulu.

This is not the life I value, hiding from contact in a vain attempt to be productive only to waste the chance be decisive and accomplish all the tasks at hand. I'm not even sure how to spin this sad tale of self disappointment and weakness.

Mans Zelmerlow

2009-03-14T00:09:00.000-07:00

I miss Sweden.

Why the rich get more rich.

2009-03-13T23:20:00.000-07:00

These are notes from a "think progressive" article.

"President Bush lowered the top two marginal income tax brackets on the richest 2 percent of Americans and lowered the tax rate on capital gains and dividends which overwhelmingly benefits Americans making over $600,000 per year.

Taxable income after deductions and exemptions is approximately 88 percent of adjusted gross income for taxpayers making over $10 million per year, according to IRS data. Assuming Mr. Limbaugh is typical of his class in his deductions and exemptions, his taxable income from his known income would be $33.4 million. Applying the 2009 tax rates and the 2000 tax rates to an income of $33.4 million yields a difference of $1.5 million.

This estimate is conservative, as we only considered Rush’s wage and salary income, and didn’t take into account Rush’s savings from Bush’s lower capital gains rate. Over 98 percent of taxpayers making over $10 million a year have capital gains income, and the average income from capital gains for people at that income level is $15 million/year. Because we don’t have access to Rush’s tax returns, we don’t know how much Bush’s giveaways to the investor class are saving him, but it’s undoubtedly a lot."

Stark Snow

2009-03-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

Amazing work from Norway. Enjoy.

So close!

2009-03-13T18:35:00.000-07:00

This has been an amazing quarter and I'm nearly finished. I'm hopeful that despite how ragged I feel all papers will outcome well, just like this amazing piece I saw on Wooster Collective.

HOT GAY FAITH

2009-03-13T01:23:00.000-07:00

Since I could not sleep, here is another project that has been stewing in my head.

Current description is: "Our faith in Christ our Savior is hot, not lukewarm or cold. God formed us to love our own gender right from birth. We are wonderfully made."

http://gayfaith.ning.com/

Street Party!

2009-03-12T23:01:00.000-07:00

Sydney Gay Mardi Gras in tilt-shift, time-lapse

Mardi Gras from Keith Loutit on Vimeo.

Blue 2007

2009-03-10T21:47:00.001-07:00

ID Duwamish

2009-03-10T10:25:00.000-07:00

I started a website that brings together the projects I've worked on at school relating to brownfield redevelopment in vulnerable communities, specifically focused on how to give the community an equity position to prevent gentrification and foster long term social, environmental and economic value.
http://duwamish.ning.com/

The lower Duwamish area in Seattle is historically tribal land, then home to local farming. The river was straightened, the port expanded and heavy toxins released to soil, water and air leaving it one of the most polluted places in WA; and a couple blocks from my home.

I want to see if it can be redeveloped into a secondary education campus anchored project with retail (like a permanent farmers market), eco-office space and energy production facility with community space woven throughout. ID is a company concept to see if non-profits, for-profits and government agencies can be integrated to spread the risk and thereby share equity in the project to create the best (One Planet) restorative building project in the region.

Philosophy of art

2009-03-05T02:44:00.000-08:00

Crazy Leadership

2009-03-02T23:14:00.000-08:00

I'm crazy enough to think I can change the world. Maybe I will?

Different

2009-03-02T18:40:00.000-08:00

"At a certain point in your life, probably when too much of it has gone by, you will open your eyes and see yourself for who you are, especially for everything that made you so different from all the awful normals. And you will say to yourself, but I AM this person, and in that statement there will be a kind of love". - From Pheobe in Wonderland

I remembered a story today I had buried. When I was still a boy in my understanding of the world, I bought a sophisticated and beautiful thing. It fit like it was made for me, dark grey with the small red stripe of the prada logo... on my square cut swimming suit. I was questioned for spending money on such a thing, laughed at for being different than my suburban friends, ridiculed because boys do not wear anything so short. It was the perfect swimming suit and if I'd not thrown away the valuable item out of shame, I'd have worn it for many seasons of sunny weather.

This was a turning point in my life for bad. Now, many years later, I can articulate that I my version of appropriate and inappropriate are different than the good ol American way of gregarious boys with over developed modesty. I am not the type to obnoxiously belly flop in board shorts. I am the type to lounge in sexy square cuts. I am unafraid of my body and aware of those around me at the same time. It is time to end fitting into the passive aggressive culture around me that rewards foolishness and prudishness and be direct about who I am and what I believe in, namely that intellect is valuable and community respect is vital.

Thank you.

Clean Coal

2009-02-26T19:45:00.001-08:00

Consumption

2009-02-24T20:13:00.001-08:00

Nat King Cole

2009-02-22T14:16:00.001-08:00

Apparently, I think he is amazing.

Sleep

2009-02-11T00:12:00.001-08:00

The end of the day is when my best ideas come, mixed with huge guilt for staying up late to pursue them and risking a later start to the next day. Usually the ideas are good and the only reason I should get up at a certain time is, well, to go sit at a desk alone. So my bipolar brain, that reasons based on abstract rational rather than literal expediency, judges that staying up productively is better than waking up for mere logistics.

The second, larger issue is that I'm lonely at night. When I was dating Mik, we talked every night as I went to sleep... it was so wonderful. I looked forward to having someone talk to me at the end of the day and listen in return. It pulled me away from this computer that so dominates my life. It lulled me into sleep feeling like I was not alone and that the next day could be great. Now I'm single again and what I miss most is that end of the night ritual. It was a nighttime ritual that does not consist of artificial fillers like wine or tv, nor was it arbitrary regiment like reading 20 pages in X book.

My best days begin and end with people.

How do I find my next end-of-the-night phone call? Ideas on how a chronic insomniac who cannot function without 8 hours of sleep can create a healthy nights end ritual? Am I alone in this?

Unbuttoned

2009-02-08T21:28:00.001-08:00

<a href="http://www.logoonline.com/video" target="_blank">More Logo Video</a>
More Gay & Lesbian Video

98% Recyclable, Made in USA

2009-02-06T17:41:00.000-08:00

Uber sustainable, recyclable cabinets made by US company St Charles. They come in all the colors above. Hot.

Why Force Divorce?

2009-02-05T10:32:00.001-08:00

Nights and Morning

2009-02-03T23:40:00.000-08:00

There are evenings designed for grand movies; a long look at a dripping sunset from the startling vantage point of a yacht in the Aegean, a cliff top Andalusian village, a terraced cafe in Stockholm.

There are nights of excess indulging in "boat" lamb sandwiches at 5am in Reykjavik, shots of Jagaermister at an underwear fashion show at 2am in Ostermalm, a swim in Lake Washington at 4am with pancakes at Beth's after.

There are nights of connection, welcoming the sunrise in Seabrook, sauna and skinny dipping in the Baltic at the dawn of the endless summer, finding relief after the 130 degree heat wave knee deep off the beach in Bodrun talking radiohead and the cultural paradigm of youth.

There are mornings designed for quiet books; mornings of walking to Haystack Rock before breakfast, of looking at the light dancing in the forest out my window, of waking perched on a narrow ledge above the Pacific surrounded by redwoods older than time.

There are formal mornings of presentations with impressive panels, wandering amidst the Goya and El Greco at the Prado, or arriving in the mist of Grenada, catching a plane to a fresh adventure along Lake Geneva. There are many other mornings of isolation at work, hoping to be downsized just to end the dread. There are so many mornings where alarm clocks blend into my sleep and where, before guilt over the late time stabs me over and over, I feel rested.

And there are nights like tonight where I crave the most mundane and important thing I can think of... a hug; preferably one that lasts till dawn. A night where I sleep with a touch that teaches my body, my mind, my heart, to know that all will be well when morning comes.

Until then, I will be thankful for prescriptions to turn my brain mostly off so I can sleep and to turn it back on in the morning so I can survive the isolation of another day.

Is she plus-size?

2009-01-28T00:28:00.000-08:00

Regardless of whether she qualifies, I love this commercial!

Maybe I'm not worthless

2009-01-27T23:43:00.000-08:00

I love Sweden

2009-01-26T18:20:00.001-08:00

"A new poll reports that a large majority of pastors in the Church of Sweden are open to blessing gay marriages.

The poll, conducted by Sveriges Television (SVT), found that 68 percent out of 1700 pastors responded that they would be willing to officiate at gay marriages performed in churches.

A small minority (21%) disagreed with church sanctioned gay marriages, while 11 percent refused to answer.

“There's a very clear majority that is open to this. And having so many pastors on board clearly makes it easier for the Church of Sweden to take such a decision,” said archbishop Anders Wejryd to SVT."

What holds me together?

2009-01-25T21:17:00.000-08:00

Phrased in various ways, this has been a driving question of late. What brings me happiness, a sense of worth? Where in my life do I experience joy, specifically in what I "do"? My current job does not. It has been a huge disappointment, largely due to external forces. Rather than dwelling the aspects of my job that slowly squeeze my soul of hope, I'm learning to question.

What are the areas and times I've felt the most satisfaction in my work?

Vision: I am a visionary. I see as full reality what could be and how to get there. Be it business development, spacial design, systems reorganization, ideology, interpersonal development... what excites me is to gather an initial idea, constraints and available resources and to leverage and expand them to realize the full potential of anything. There are no limits, save doubt and isolation.

People: There is nothing better in life than other people. Whatever the depth, relating to people, enticing their best and soothing their pain, appropriately getting to the root, is my greatest honor. I am intuitive with a strong sense of responsibility to those I connect with, facilitate and speak for. With any task or position, it is through relationships that any good is created, perpetuated or enjoyed.

Project: Adventure has a beginning, end and rebirth in my reality. The balance of risk, reward, safety and stability all point toward projects. I revel in the development of an idea, like a farmer cultivating crops. Seeing it grow, always mindful of what must be done 10 steps ahead in the constant march onward of a project's time frame, budget, goals, responsibilities and purpose. And like a farmer harvesting crops, finishing a project requires enormous energy, possible only through the intense joy of seeing it become reality. And then another season comes, already begun in my roving mind.

Creativity: Details are only noticed when they are intended or when they are missed. They can be like an engagement ring or a stained shirt. In between they blend into the background, yet determine the impact of whether the business, event, design or system is good or great. I love this, I love connecting vision to reality through creativity. Designing how to lead someone around a room, through a system or into an idea is nirvana. It is these moments when I feel connected to the universe, with a sense of how beautiful all of creation can be.

I believe ...in truth

2009-01-24T01:41:00.000-08:00

I believe in truth. I believe that it is constant and absolute. I believe that it is infinite and impossible to fully comprehend.

I believe in truth and I am angry, angry at hate masked as righteousness. Angry at ignorance masked as some sort of purity. Angry at the injustice brought on by apathy. There is truth, I know this because I see it's impact. I know there is truth because I see that every person needs love and tends toward fear instead. I know there is truth because of a deep set belief that the universe and everything in it was made to function perfectly, and yet we as humanity screw it up because we act as though we fully understand how things should be.

Tonight I was driving pondering my family and my career. Neither are great success stories, unless you count the idea of struggling through adversity to maintain hope and make steady progress in uncharted waters. But I wasn't thinking about that, I was thinking how both make me feel worthless. I have not had great explosions of conventional success and am about to go through yet another process of surmounting obstacles outside my control. So the only logical thought that remained was that I never will have a good relationship with my family and I never will have a good job I love that pays a decent wage and therefore, I may as well give up now on hope, life and any chance at love.

Then I met my nephew, Solomon Mack Henley, born 3am last night, and holding him realized that part of why I exist is for him, to give an alternate perspective to the codified prejudice that will be taught to him by my family and their friends. Of course, this still represents yet another thankless, unending struggle.

While in Puyallup, I joined 2 of my oldest friends Paul and Rachael for cookies, tea, a movie and conversation. Cookie was an indulgence I rarely enjoy, tea was soothing and the movie was fascinating. We viewed Across the Universe with the hot Jim Sturgess. It strings Beatles songs together with an inverted relationship of story and emotion. While it's overall perfection is questionable, I loved it. The clips are all from the movie. What followed was a brilliant conversation that amounted to... we are not alone, we do not have it figured out and how great is it that we can talk about it.

At the end of this long day, I remain convinced that truth is real, that it is abused by those who claim it and that it is beautiful to those who won't accept anything less.

West Wing

2009-01-23T13:46:00.001-08:00

inauguration benediction

2009-01-22T00:17:00.000-08:00

Gene Robinson was amazing, insightful and inclusive in his prayer, Rick Warren was boring but not offensive and President Obama spoke to the soul of humanity calling for an end to childish things and a new era of responsibility. But I admit my favorite part of the inauguration was Rev. Joseph Lowery. Here is an excerpt....

"Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get in back, when brown can stick around ... when yellow will be mellow ... when the red man can get ahead, man; and when white will embrace what is right. That all those who do justice and love mercy say Amen."

I believe ...in sexy

2009-01-18T23:36:00.000-08:00

I thought an irreverent launch to this new series on things I believe would be fun. Much of my philosophy can be indulgently deep and levity is important in everything.

I believe in sexy. I believe that despite my nose, lung-pressing inverted sternum and that awkward period from age 7 to 17, that I am sexy. Sexy is being in your body fully, it is sex and touch and it is a basic need, like food and water and air. Senses should be sensual, should be enjoyed and reveled in. Sex and our bodies are beautiful outside, in the light, with excitement and joy. Shame is useless, it only moves things to dark corners to fester.

Far too much of my life has been spent in forced shame of my body, my mind, my emotions. This picture is my silly way of stating that I am exactly who I was made to be. I have not been an athlete, but that does not mean I am not athletic and do a push-up! I have not been a model, but that does not mean my body is undesirable. I have not been in love, but that does not mean I am incapable of it. Sexy is comfort and connection. I'm feeling pretty cozy.

American Hero

2009-01-18T23:08:00.001-08:00

Opening Inaugural Event

2009-01-18T21:34:00.000-08:00

A Prayer for the Nation and Our Next President, Barack Obama
By The Rt. Rev. V. Gene Robinson, Episcopal Bishop of New Hampshire

Opening Inaugural Event
Lincoln Memorial, Washington, DC
January 18, 2009

Welcome to Washington! The fun is about to begin, but first, please join me in pausing for a moment, to ask God’s blessing upon our nation and our next president.

O God of our many understandings, we pray that you will…

Bless us with tears – for a world in which over a billion people exist on less than a dollar a day, where young women from many lands are beaten and raped for wanting an education, and thousands die daily from malnutrition, malaria, and AIDS.

Bless us with anger – at discrimination, at home and abroad, against refugees and immigrants, women, people of color, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.

Bless us with discomfort – at the easy, simplistic “answers” we’ve preferred to hear from our politicians, instead of the truth, about ourselves and the world, which we need to face if we are going to rise to the challenges of the future.

Bless us with patience – and the knowledge that none of what ails us will be “fixed” anytime soon, and the understanding that our new president is a human being, not a messiah.

Bless us with humility – open to understanding that our own needs must always be balanced with those of the world.

Bless us with freedom from mere tolerance – replacing it with a genuine respect and warm embrace of our differences, and an understanding that in our diversity, we are stronger.

Bless us with compassion and generosity – remembering that every religion’s God judges us by the way we care for the most vulnerable in the human community, whether across town or across the world.

And God, we give you thanks for your child Barack, as he assumes the office of President of the United States.

Give him wisdom beyond his years, and inspire him with Lincoln’s reconciling leadership style, President Kennedy’s ability to enlist our best efforts, and Dr. King’s dream of a nation for ALL the people.

Give him a quiet heart, for our Ship of State needs a steady, calm captain in these times.

Give him stirring words, for we will need to be inspired and motivated to make the personal and common sacrifices necessary to facing the challenges ahead.

Make him color-blind, reminding him of his own words that under his leadership, there will be neither red nor blue states, but the United States.

Help him remember his own oppression as a minority, drawing on that experience of discrimination, that he might seek to change the lives of those who are still its victims.

Give him the strength to find family time and privacy, and help him remember that even though he is president, a father only gets one shot at his daughters’ childhoods.

And please, God, keep him safe. We know we ask too much of our presidents, and we’re asking FAR too much of this one. We know the risk he and his wife are taking for all of us, and we implore you, O good and great God, to keep him safe. Hold him in the palm of your hand – that he might do the work we have called him to do, that he might find joy in this impossible calling, and that in the end, he might lead us as a nation to a place of integrity, prosperity and peace.

AMEN.

I feel the same way

2009-01-18T13:08:00.001-08:00

Wall of Fog

2009-01-16T23:16:00.000-08:00

Definitions and ideas are often more about boundaries than anything else. Children test their parents for weakness, hoping for guidelines. We seek adventure, looking to prove that our limits can be pushed farther. Prejudice and justice are about who is, and is not, within the bounds of law and social order. All of these examples are tested constantly, with one consistent variable... people.

Friendships come and go in sometimes dramatic waves, though the close ones can become like family and last a lifetime. Family you have no choice over and does last forever, leading to a mix of stability and claustrophobia that few friendships can attain.

Romantic relationships are oddly perched between. Few connections can grow so strong so quickly. Few boundaries are tested so rapidly and with so little idea of the outcome. I have never had a long term relationship, but in general... romance seems like a room defined by fog. Somewhere in the ambiguity and skewed perception is the possibility of the most important relationship of your life. It is daunting, it is inspiring and it seems that only those who have already given up hope navigate it easily.

There is a man I like, that I have a connection to. We do not have shared friends, many shared interests or similar backgrounds. He is not my traditional type and I do not know how to anticipate his every move. It could end tomorrow, it could go on till next year or beyond. But I can talk to him and be vulnerable. He can talk to me and be safe. We get to negotiate boundaries as we come upon them. There is so much opportunity to be hurt, probably because there is so much potential for joy. My lingering question is... how do I remain open to something that could end at any moment?

OUT is Live!

2009-01-15T22:31:00.000-08:00

OUT for Sustainability has launched our website! I am very happy that after more than a dozen hours on a static iWeb site I was advised to scrap it in favor of a Ning platform. It is highly interactive and I think you'll like it. Enjoy!

Dmitry Shostakovich

2009-01-15T22:30:00.000-08:00

Sit

2009-01-14T21:02:00.000-08:00

Novel approaches to backless seating. Seen in WebUrbanist

Operations Class Notes

2009-01-10T10:58:00.000-08:00

Levels of learning:
1. Awareness: I know it when I see it!
2. Articulation: I can describe it to others.
3. Demonstation: I can demonstrate it in the classroom.
4. Application: I can use my skills in real situations.
5. Coaching: I am able to coach and develop skills in others.

Well said

2009-01-09T20:07:00.001-08:00

“From a religious point of view, if God had thought homosexuality is a sin, he would not have created gay people.” -Howard Dean

Lichtenstein

2009-01-08T00:09:00.000-08:00

Lichtenstein used to be my favorite country in the world. I even had this short lived youthful (bi-polar) delusion that I was the long lost son of the crown prince. ha

I read on strangemaps that their "subnational entities are fragmented to such an extent that, internally, Liechtenstein looks like a crazy patchwork quilt. It must be the most exclave-rich country in the world, at least relative to the rather small number of subnational entities... While many of these Liechtensteinian fragments might be considered exclaves, most also border more than one other territory, and consequently only three can be considered enclaves (which are totally surrounded by only one other territory): the communes of Schaan and Planken each contain an enclave of each other within their main territory (each enclave in this case naturally also being an exclave), Schaan also containing an enclave of Vaduz (which, from the point of view of Vaduz, is an exclave, of course)."

Creative Paper

2009-01-07T01:40:00.000-08:00

All from the WebUrbanist

To Do by Thursday noon.

2009-01-05T22:31:00.000-08:00

OUT for Sustainability - In preparation for next Tuesdays promotion at Seattle Greendrinks I need to work on:
- An event in early February showing a film on gentrification with corresponding lectures and an afterparty.
- A possible second event with a lecture on how LGBT dance in different cultures followed by Queer night at the Century Ballroom.
- A website about the organization as it is (in Beta).
- A flier with a concise description of the group and the event.

gProjects - Year End... need I saw more.

Duwamish - Create a document to clearly state the project, the proposal for my company idea and a request for select individuals to join a working group to develop the idea and project.

BGI - Write up a 10 page case study, upload an updated resume and finish tons of reading.

Industry Concentrations - Lead a meeting to set out the rest of this year and into the next year.

Laugh, Smile, Relax.

Logo vote

2009-01-04T23:08:00.000-08:00

which do you like? the red or the gradient green?

2008 2009

2009-01-03T10:54:00.000-08:00

2008 was characterized by uncertainty and fear.

These are constants in any life, no matter how boldly lived. Yet 2008 became dominated in my memory by fear. The big fear was my career and irrationally stark thoughts of failure. From my earliest memories I have felt the important of success to ensure security and pride. Without success, as I am measuring it in the moment, I feel lost and worthless. Historically these feelings have been overshadowed only by my panic at being utterly alone in the world. A sense of being not only isolated, but unlovable is crippling and further impacts my personal measure of success and compounds feelings of abject misery. This year with school as an added stress, I had many jobs, goals and in the summer undertook a crusade to work on some of the root causes of these irrational, but foundational, beliefs. From this therapy guided journey came a ripping open of family issues regarding their rejection of my sexuality and recently a more passive drift with friends I had considered close. The economy, a tumultuous political season and continued stress over money back in school paying 12% interest has maintained anxiety.

2009 is fearless.

It begins on this story line, but with a different tone. My career remains dry at best and far from having great potential in this economy, yet in many ways I am in the odd and ambiguous position to imagine change rather than reiterate those who have gone before. With access to implementation, hard but possible, that imagination is an asset. My relationship, though similarly unsteady and ambiguous is at least getting me to a surer footing to believe that I am worthy and capable of love. I may not be in love, but I know that there is nothing else in life with any meaning without it. My family and I are still strained, but we are straining toward each other rather than against. There is nothing to replace family. My true friends are rising to the surface, and though I have fewer people to check on my existence, I know that even those who have essentially gone away, will stay friends to be reignited another day in a different way. People are not disposable. Nothing lasts forever, but friendship and love in any form are what this life is intended for.

The future represents hope, possibility and joy. It is only when that changes and it the past that solely owns all feelings of happiness that life is no longer worth living. So I venture onward toward fearlessness, toward the hope that fear can be confronted as the bully it is, toward the certainty that I am beautiful, worthy of love and with something unique and important to give this world.

Keep warm, well fed and certain of my love for you all.

Car vs Long Term

2008-12-30T23:35:00.001-08:00

The only reason people hate the tunnel option to replace the seriously crumbling Alaskan Way Viaduct is cost. No one really wants to replace it with an actual freeway except the kind of short sighted people who got us into the economic free fall we are currently in. I have been a fan of the surface street option as there seemed to be no alternative to those two non-options... until I saw this.
The basic idea is to do an open "tunnel" and dig out the roadway for freeway traffic, then put caps on it over time as money allows. The seawall is in NEED of repair anyway and delaying the tear down of the viaduct is reckless. I like it, it is long term thinking while paying attention to upfront costs.

Fear and Innovation

2008-12-29T22:09:00.000-08:00

The economy is in a recession that we will recover from, or not. Either way, it is unknown how bad things will get. What scares me is my ability to make money. I am a smart, insightful and creative guy. But the housing market is a mess and I've no idea how long the company I work for will stay large enough for me. And we are not exactly growing, so it is at best a currently dead end job. But look around, it is hard to get a job at Starbucks or McDonalds right now. There is so much competition for every position out there. So my brain, intuitiveness and sincerity are no match in resume form for someone who has 10 years experience. Meanwhile, I have a very expensive education 2/3 the way through that I need to focus on and not get distracted by the $300+ month interest payments. In the long run, I am an asset. But in the short run, how do I survive?

*I wrote that last night... but was so depressed that I went completely into my head and needed to stretch and talk to a friend to pull myself out rather than submit it to the universe.

Today I had a decent work day, a fantastic informational interview about the Duwamish project and a few other good bits including spotting this picture of a whimsical, yet elegant approach to the daily ritual of slippers. For me it shows the importance of innovation as the solution to the new economy. We have no idea what the future may hold and that certainly requires caution, but there is a fantastic opportunity for joy. The Duwamish project could be this incredible opportunity to meet amazing people, the housing market could improve and let my job fulfill its promise and whatever happens... brilliant things can be found in the smallest details.

Siblings

2008-12-29T00:48:00.001-08:00

Here is our holiday gift, my sisters, brother-in-law and me.

Yes

2008-12-29T00:44:00.001-08:00

Rare cartoon appearance

2008-12-22T17:33:00.001-08:00

A conversation

2008-12-22T17:27:00.001-08:00

Let's clear this up: redefining marriage

2008-12-18T00:25:00.000-08:00

In light of the Rick Warren of the mega-church empire in California to give the invocation for Obama, I want to clear up this ridiculous idea of his that is running wild. Warren is quoted as saying: "There is no reason to change the universal, historical definition of marriage to appease 2% of our population."

Let's deconstruct this:

There is no reason to change: The reason is to stop the cycle of abuse caused by deeming a minority born into every demographic of the country as inferior or unwanted.

the universal: How many things are universal? How arrogant and incorrect to state that marriage is universally understood and measured. Divorce, polygamy, child-brides, etc... there are many ideas out there. We can debate the merits from there, but let's not get confused.

historical: Many cultures have had homosexuality as an accepted part of their society at some point in their history. Most marriages have historically been a matter of contract involving women as property, including the right to multiple wives. And most of the history referenced is western or Biblical, where polygamy features prominently, countering the universalism idea.

definition of marriage: Marriage is not a definition, it is an action, a verb. To play semantics though, sure... marriage has had definitions. Those definitions have been used to say that women do not need the right to vote since their husbands could do it for them, to say that men could beat their wives but only with a stick no wider than their thumb, to say that slaves could not marry each other till death, just until sale. Definitions tend to improve over time though, like including love, equality of gender and race and class. Hetero-centric marriage will soon go the way of dowries and match makers of children.

to appease: How very, very insulting! Appease infers a level of condescension and disrespect that shows how victimized the modern church feels. I'm not sure if this new role of playing the wounded majority comes from embarrassment, guilt or fear.

2% of our population: That is a strange number to put up. 1 in 10 people are gay, many more than that are bisexual to some degree, many more are allies and many more are supportive. So the number is closer to 48% in his home state of CA and as of this week, 53% in CT. And marriage equality is not just affecting gays, with ripples to human rights globally, mostly women. Including women, gays and minorities in general, I'd say his 2% figure is not just inaccurate, but negligently ignorant for a bold statement from such a large figure.

It is sad to think that a man who is the face of the modern church will not be remembered for his good work, but for his hate-mongering. Hate is a strong word, but that is what is created... intentionally or not. Obama, I'm sad you chose this as the religious face of change. He is nothing of the sort.

Let's clear this up: gay lifestyle

2008-12-16T23:46:00.000-08:00

Is there a straight lifestyle I am unaware of? I know many kinds of people and certainly some groups are quite homogeneous, the worst is definitely this cult-ish religious group we belonged to for awhile growing up. However, there is usually some crossover in any group, like I am a gay, christian, white, male, liberal with blue eyes. Does that tell you my lifestyle? Is being right handed a lifestyle choice? Is having blue eyes a lifestyle choice? Is being extroverted a lifestyle choice? Is having friends a lifestyle choice? Is belonging to a church a lifestyle choice? Would having children be a lifestyle choice? Would being straight be a lifestyle choice?

It seems that it only becomes a choice of lifestyle when it's false. If I wanted to be left handed and forced myself to be, that would be a lifestyle choice. If I wore colored contacts to have brown eyes, that would be a lifestyle choice. If I darkened my skin and had plastic surgery to look Hispanic, that would be a lifestyle choice. If I married a woman, that would be a lifestyle choice. None of those would be natural or beneficial, they would be physically and mentally damaging and ridiculous.

Let's clear this up: recruiting

2008-12-16T23:37:00.000-08:00

I am angry at the term "recruit" used so often to insinuate or flatly state that the speaker believes gay men and women are trying to dupe others, generally children, into being gay.

How does this make any sense? I was actively forced to be straight my whole life and it did not work. Since I AM gay, someone talking about heterosexuality in a positive way couldn't make me BE straight. I just read that a university level course on gay men was accused of "recruiting students into homosexuality". This kind of statement really says: we do not want you (gay men), you are not welcome here. What if someone slammed the door in your face anytime you found a safe haven?

Sleep

2008-12-15T22:24:00.000-08:00

This is not something I just read about that is very educational. It is just me spouting because I am sleepy and somehow incredibly emotional right now.

A big part is timing. I just finished the quarter with much of the work pushed to the end because of a stressful beginning and distracting middle. The beginning of the quarter was stressful because of the new work responsibilities, wanting it to be perfect and wanting my other projects to succeed, including the HRC dinner. Following that, Matt and I dated for awhile which was distracting. It wasn't that dating during school is bad or anything, but it flared up so quickly and then took awhile to sink in that it wasn't working (despite shared interests, etc). So that and the nature of the quarter left big projects to the end, just finished up late last week. Then, work is stressful again. I now have the things I was taught down pat, except they are not good enough and I'm frustrated knowing that things can be improved, but not knowing quite where to start and feeling so isolated with a boss that is amazing, but very active and co-workers that are quiet and in the office very briefly as they go about getting homes built. I'm lonely and could go the whole day talking for 2 minutes. Add in that the housing market is not great and I understand why every day lately I feel a gloom over my head at the office instead of the sun coming in through the massive skylight above my head.
Speaking of sun, it is cold. Really cold. My drafty apartment is vastly improved thanks to my friend Julian's suggestions on weather proofing (she is from MN) and 2 new space heaters (one from Cheramie). But I still live over an empty space which is like living above a refrigerator and my walls/roof do not have much (any?) insulation. And this year... no trip to warmer climates to cheer up and forget my worries. I am going to Portland to see a man friend which will be fantastic, but Oregon is not exactly Palm Springs (07) or the Caribbean (06). Still, it is nice to have a man friend to visit and have visit and so on, but even that can be a bit sad like today after the weekend is over.

And to tie all these things together... post-fun, post-school stress, mid-work stress, mid-cold snap... I woke up really early. Anyone who knows me very long knows I hate mornings. There are many great traits I have, mornings are not one of them. So, I am an emotional wreak of sorts feeling weirdly vulnerable.
BUT, to put the important silver lining on it... I have the prospects of a good night ahead, my research paper got good overall feedback (it passed!), my work meeting tomorrow will help guide next steps, winter break has officially arrived and most of all, I do not need to wake up really early any time soon. aaahhh.

Gay penguins

2008-12-15T16:32:00.001-08:00

A pair of gay penguins thrown out of their zoo colony for repeatedly stealing eggs have been given some of their own to look after following a protest by animal rights groups.
'We decided to give them two eggs from another couple whose hatching ability had been poor and they've turned out to be the best parents in the whole zoo,' said one of the keepers.

'It's very encouraging and if this works out well we will try to arrange for them to become real parents themselves with artificial insemination.'

Wildlife experts at the park explain that despite being gay the three-year-old male birds are still driven by an urge to be fathers.

'One of the responsibilities of being a male adult is looking after the eggs. Despite the fact that they can't have eggs naturally, it does not take away their biological drive to be a parent,' said one.

One campaigner who did not want to be named welcomed the move and said: 'It wasn't fair to stop them becoming parents and keep them apart from all the other birds just because of the way nature has made them.'

I own their shoes

2008-12-15T07:59:00.000-08:00

Pretty sweet eh?