....faction

dissatisfaction or satisfaction.
acceptance or rejection.
frustrate or soothe.
happy or tired.
yes or no.

and repeat.


My mind has been wrestling with its interest in engagement, and on what terms. Blanket worry, denial, rational (supposed) and irrational (supposed) was not working. The interplay between two extremes, even "yes or no," left me confounded with the arbitrary reasoning for arriving at so definite an answer, one that inevitably is incomplete and arguably therefor morally corrupt. I may loose a few of you with that last part so indulge me in reiterating it for you. I believe that an answer stands as a judgment, a stake that cries out "truth". Based on my further belief in the fallible nature of humanity, of each person, any answer should be aware of this. If my or your answer does not account for its weaknesses, then we essentially call our understanding perfect for now and into eternity. To make an answer and call something "truth" absolutely, as imperfect beings who do not know all, is morally corrupt. It is the basis of war, hunger, abuse, hate, envy, lust and a myriad of other preventable health issues.

I've had much on my mind, mostly selfish with bursts of hope and smaller similar cycles of thinking about those outside myself. I ponder, I wail, I sit in a catatonic state, I take prescribed medications to keep myself functional and in the end I come out battle tired, but with a fresh vision of the world; a hope for the good in all challenges, the decent in all mankind and the honesty of my contribution to it all.

I hope that can explain a bit of my break from contact, both with this chronicle and with my friends. More to come... quantitatively bent I hope.