2008 2009

2008 was characterized by uncertainty and fear.

These are constants in any life, no matter how boldly lived. Yet 2008 became dominated in my memory by fear. The big fear was my career and irrationally stark thoughts of failure. From my earliest memories I have felt the important of success to ensure security and pride. Without success, as I am measuring it in the moment, I feel lost and worthless. Historically these feelings have been overshadowed only by my panic at being utterly alone in the world. A sense of being not only isolated, but unlovable is crippling and further impacts my personal measure of success and compounds feelings of abject misery. This year with school as an added stress, I had many jobs, goals and in the summer undertook a crusade to work on some of the root causes of these irrational, but foundational, beliefs. From this therapy guided journey came a ripping open of family issues regarding their rejection of my sexuality and recently a more passive drift with friends I had considered close. The economy, a tumultuous political season and continued stress over money back in school paying 12% interest has maintained anxiety.

2009 is fearless.

It begins on this story line, but with a different tone. My career remains dry at best and far from having great potential in this economy, yet in many ways I am in the odd and ambiguous position to imagine change rather than reiterate those who have gone before. With access to implementation, hard but possible, that imagination is an asset. My relationship, though similarly unsteady and ambiguous is at least getting me to a surer footing to believe that I am worthy and capable of love. I may not be in love, but I know that there is nothing else in life with any meaning without it. My family and I are still strained, but we are straining toward each other rather than against. There is nothing to replace family. My true friends are rising to the surface, and though I have fewer people to check on my existence, I know that even those who have essentially gone away, will stay friends to be reignited another day in a different way. People are not disposable. Nothing lasts forever, but friendship and love in any form are what this life is intended for.

The future represents hope, possibility and joy. It is only when that changes and it the past that solely owns all feelings of happiness that life is no longer worth living. So I venture onward toward fearlessness, toward the hope that fear can be confronted as the bully it is, toward the certainty that I am beautiful, worthy of love and with something unique and important to give this world.

Keep warm, well fed and certain of my love for you all.