Withdrawl

Leaving school has been a greater adjustment than I anticipated. The sense of loss is not about the friends I might loose or the studies I valued. It has been the loss of adrenaline that was keeping me going toward the end, it is the realization that I'm addicted to digital media after 2 years of living on a computer and my blackberry with dozens of emails a day just for classes. It is the loss of purpose, that fallback identity of "student" that excused and even mandated being poor, underemployed and full of more vision than substance.

Now I find myself unable to sleep, feeling like there must be something I'm missing. I'm without motivation to move forward on projects without advisers, deadlines or even counterparts to check in on. I feel a constant sense of guilt that I'm not exercising more, eating better, working more, making money, reconnecting with friends (who I have discovered to have selfishly moved on with their lives after 2+ years of neglect on my part) and generally not being deliriously happy like one is supposed to be after this "grand accomplishment".

I'm merely an unemployed dreamer with feeble connections and no money. I now hold a second degree, I am a Master, yet I hold such tremendous fear and no idea who to share it with. My therapist is out of town, Julian is out of town (both for 2 weeks), my mom is on a cruise, etc... I'm far from drastic measures, but I am even farther from shrugging off my love handles, bank loans, social awkwardness and misdirection. Oh, and I found out that I come across as though I only want to interact with people enough to deal with them and I have confirmation that I am fat. So in this pit of decadent selfishness I cry out into the faceless night to be heard. Not to be pitied for the sewer of a life I describe, but for the hope that underlays it and will ultimately hold me firm regardless of whether I am cute, loved or successful.