Living with BiPolar

I have rewritten this several times. My mind pounces on a good idea and then that idea starts to unravel, like a ball of string. Normally, I enjoy a more design-build style relationship with writing where the concept is dimensionally in place and as I spin around it the details fill in. With this, it is more like Saragamo's "Blindness" and I am stumbling darkly without seeing where I used to walk in clear light. These periods are not altogether uncommon for me, but they are short in duration relative to my periods of functionality. You see, my mind is not like a static line composed of an exact mixture of chemicals. Rather it is a wave that would gain momentum on the high or low without strong and expensive medications.

I lived my life until 22 without them and traveled the world, finished 2 years of university, held jobs and got promotions; all without these meds. That said, it was a world that terrified me. In college I would stay in bed for days on end suddenly and then have great burts of activity and productivity. At work, new tasks were avoided until the last minute, while other times I worked so effectively that one manager declared me the best employee in that position ever.
In my travels I spent a month alone in Spain, with no real concerns, except a heart stopping panic every time I entered a new city and needed to find a hotel. And, that I was so terrified to talk to strangers, of which there were so few anyway, that when I finally got back to the UK I had to retrain my jaw muscles on how to speak for any length of time... I had gone up to 5 days at a time without saying a single word.

Now words are more friendly to me. With medication and fantastic cognitive therapy I retrained my brain patterns to take in information and process it rationally. People did not hate me, I would amount to something, I was not repulsive, etc. A mid life crisis is nothing new I suppose, but mine came at 22. Since then I have recognized the conviction I have for what I believe, the value I hold in my health and the talent I have in areas like design, public relations and project management. Mine is no longer a problem of production, but of constancy.

I used to hold a very tight grasp on my public image, being gay and clinically crazy in a super evangelical community necessitated watching every action and word closely. I was very successful in my method, except that it allowed little person freedom to be happy. My grasp on this has loosened up over the years. I still highly value being appropriate to the situation (think the opposite of Borat or Mr. Bean).

One of the issues with BiPolar is that even with medication, I'm still not some static 50's tv show. Right now for instance, I am writing when I can barely remember what I just wrote and am unsure of what I intended, 2 seconds ago, to say. I may have forgotten to eat, which if I check my kitchen I could find out whether I did or nor. I could have forgotten to take my meds, which if I check my box I could find out. I have in place numerous methods for keeping myself on task no matter what the circumstances.

Work is the one thing that worries me with this. But as I have worked in various situations I have learned a few things. One is that a deadline generates alot of stress, but if I plan accordingly, the project actually benefits from the focused energy it brings to my head. Another thing is that I can still perform routine tasks and make decisions I'd later stick with no matter how fuzzy I am. Anything involving an external element, especially a person, will focus my energy to jump-start me out of a rapid cycle (quickly alternating depression and mania with mixed symptoms such as low energy and rapid thinking, a nasty combo). The primary challenge is getting myself to move... whether it be out of bed or to eat or to the next task. With an external, the missing motivating factor is installed and I can come out of a cycle while moving past it.

In all, Bi-Polar is terrible. But I am a smart guy with many skills and the farther from arbitrary pressure I get, the better life is getting.